Right, so this question is obviously burning on everyone's mind so I figured I would apply my furious intellect to attempt to answer it: who would win in a battle between a Zombie, the Frankenstein monster and Dracula? Who indeed. And now, the pudding.1: Zombie
Zombies in popular media are generally defined as the reanimated dead, walking the earth with a thirst for brains. Films such as George A. Ramero's Night of the living, Day and Land of the dead portray zombies (in a now popularly accepted manner) as ruthless hunters of human flesh, which feel no pain and shuffle slowly in pursuit of their prey (see the paper modelling the zombie apocaplyse for more info and awesome). A zombie is, according to this model, clearly in the stages of decomposition and likely to lose its head in a crisis. They seem to be able to sense the locality of humans and converge on their position (usually arriving at midnight for maximum spookiness). Zombies don't seem to have any predellection for attacking or eating each other, at least when there are tasty human morsels available. In the comic book 'Marvel Zombies', the zombie superheroes don't want to eat each other because they taste bad, whether raw or cooked. The point here being, Dracula is an established 'undead' and frankenstein is made up of dead body parts, although it could be argued that he is 'living' in some sense of the word. So unfortunately, in this battle the zombie would probably shuffle off and try to eat the judge or whatever, leaving the vampire and monster to finish each other off. Sad but true, a zombie would make a crappy fighter.
2: Dracula
The novel 'Dracula' was written in 1897 by Bram Stoker and since then there have been more vampires in the media than you could swing a cat at. For this battle, for interests sake we will consider the badass vampires of older times. The sissy 'Twighlight' vampires of current popular youth culture would definately die, no matter what you put them up against. They would fucking sparkle and burst into flames if you flung a small dead kitten at them. They probably get manicures. But old school Dracula, he tormented entire towns from high up in his mountain castle. He had an Igor for a butler. That takes balls. He was based on Vlad the Impaler, a man generally accredited with killing and torturing up to 100 000 people in under ten years. Thats 45 kills a day, kids! And thats a monster kill. Dracula was all badass and strong, and he could transform into bats. He only had one weakness, and that was a stake to the heart and beheading. Oh, and sunlight. Yeah, also religious artifacts. OK Dracula was a bit of a pussy but he also had the whole 'women in his thrall' thing going for him so that was a plus. Not that that would help him beat up Frankenstein. I mean, the guy wears evening dress all the time. He has a ruff FFS. And Frankenstein...well:
3: Frankenstein
OK so the monster in the original novel was not 'made up of dead parts', it was more like a flesh golem made up of chemistry and stuff. You know, science. But later adaptations of the book all allude to the fact that the monster is dead bits. So I am gonna stick with my original hypothesis: a zombie wouldn't give two shits about the frankenstein monster. So here's the thing though, I reckon that the monster would tear Dracula in half, given the chance, but it would have to happen quickly. Given 2 minutes alone to himself Frankenstein gets all wussy and introspective and becomes 'self aware', which is not good for the 'pulling people in half' thing. Frankenstein has the size and strength advantage, certainly, but Dracula is the Prince of the Night. Oh, yeah, this fight would have to happen at night I guess or Dracula would be a smoking stump. So like, during the night sometime and if there was a human referee to distract the zombie and if he could do it in about 2 minutes, Frankenstein would kick Dracula's ass. You could potentially get some advantage if you like, capture the De Lacey's and put them in a cage above a tank of rabid sharks with one of those fancy ropes that will snap after 2 minutes. Mr Self Aware would get all James Bond on that shit. OK so they actually made this into a movie, the 1971 smash hit 'Dracula vs Frankenstein'. OK so I lied, its not a smash hit. Its got a 2.3 on IMDB and apparently thats up 232% in popularity this week. In the movie, Frankenstein and Dracula are buddies but when Dracula tries to eat a friend of Frankensteins he gets all whiney and then attacks Dracula. The fight is (obviously) in a church yard and Dracula defeats Frankenstein by pulling off his arms and head, which is fairly conclusive. However, the sun starts to rise and Dracula has to run for the church, which of course he doesn't reach on time. So, the girl that he was gonna eat escapes and the real winner here is Lassie or something. I don't know.
No comments:
Post a Comment