Get 'em hot.

Sorry, I know its probably sensory overload but you have to see this. Its Christopher Walken rendering Lady Gaga's 'Poker Face' in spoken word. His sexytime noises will stay with me forever. Also, this gets a full 10/a cabbage for 'surreal link of the day'.

Battle Royale: Zombie vs Frankenstein vs Dracula

Right, so this question is obviously burning on everyone's mind so I figured I would apply my furious intellect to attempt to answer it: who would win in a battle between a Zombie, the Frankenstein monster and Dracula? Who indeed. And now, the pudding.



1: Zombie
Zombies in popular media are generally defined as the reanimated dead, walking the earth with a thirst for brains. Films such as George A. Ramero's Night of the living, Day and Land of the dead portray zombies (in a now popularly accepted manner) as ruthless hunters of human flesh, which feel no pain and shuffle slowly in pursuit of their prey (see the paper modelling the zombie apocaplyse for more info and awesome). A zombie is, according to this model, clearly in the stages of decomposition and likely to lose its head in a crisis. They seem to be able to sense the locality of humans and converge on their position (usually arriving at midnight for maximum spookiness). Zombies don't seem to have any predellection for attacking or eating each other, at least when there are tasty human morsels available. In the comic book 'Marvel Zombies', the zombie superheroes don't want to eat each other because they taste bad, whether raw or cooked. The point here being, Dracula is an established 'undead' and frankenstein is made up of dead body parts, although it could be argued that he is 'living' in some sense of the word. So unfortunately, in this battle the zombie would probably shuffle off and try to eat the judge or whatever, leaving the vampire and monster to finish each other off. Sad but true, a zombie would make a crappy fighter.



2: Dracula

The novel 'Dracula' was written in 1897 by Bram Stoker and since then there have been more vampires in the media than you could swing a cat at. For this battle, for interests sake we will consider the badass vampires of older times. The sissy 'Twighlight' vampires of current popular youth culture would definately die, no matter what you put them up against. They would fucking sparkle and burst into flames if you flung a small dead kitten at them. They probably get manicures. But old school Dracula, he tormented entire towns from high up in his mountain castle. He had an Igor for a butler. That takes balls. He was based on Vlad the Impaler, a man generally accredited with killing and torturing up to 100 000 people in under ten years. Thats 45 kills a day, kids! And thats a monster kill. Dracula was all badass and strong, and he could transform into bats. He only had one weakness, and that was a stake to the heart and beheading. Oh, and sunlight. Yeah, also religious artifacts. OK Dracula was a bit of a pussy but he also had the whole 'women in his thrall' thing going for him so that was a plus. Not that that would help him beat up Frankenstein. I mean, the guy wears evening dress all the time. He has a ruff FFS. And Frankenstein...well:

3: Frankenstein
OK so the monster in the original novel was not 'made up of dead parts', it was more like a flesh golem made up of chemistry and stuff. You know, science. But later adaptations of the book all allude to the fact that the monster is dead bits. So I am gonna stick with my original hypothesis: a zombie wouldn't give two shits about the frankenstein monster. So here's the thing though, I reckon that the monster would tear Dracula in half, given the chance, but it would have to happen quickly. Given 2 minutes alone to himself Frankenstein gets all wussy and introspective and becomes 'self aware', which is not good for the 'pulling people in half' thing. Frankenstein has the size and strength advantage, certainly, but Dracula is the Prince of the Night. Oh, yeah, this fight would have to happen at night I guess or Dracula would be a smoking stump. So like, during the night sometime and if there was a human referee to distract the zombie and if he could do it in about 2 minutes, Frankenstein would kick Dracula's ass. You could potentially get some advantage if you like, capture the De Lacey's and put them in a cage above a tank of rabid sharks with one of those fancy ropes that will snap after 2 minutes. Mr Self Aware would get all James Bond on that shit. OK so they actually made this into a movie, the 1971 smash hit 'Dracula vs Frankenstein'. OK so I lied, its not a smash hit. Its got a 2.3 on IMDB and apparently thats up 232% in popularity this week. In the movie, Frankenstein and Dracula are buddies but when Dracula tries to eat a friend of Frankensteins he gets all whiney and then attacks Dracula. The fight is (obviously) in a church yard and Dracula defeats Frankenstein by pulling off his arms and head, which is fairly conclusive. However, the sun starts to rise and Dracula has to run for the church, which of course he doesn't reach on time. So, the girl that he was gonna eat escapes and the real winner here is Lassie or something. I don't know.

Yukio Hatoyama is the 8th Beatle

I hereby bring to order this impromptu meeting of the fanclub. The first and only order of business is to discuss the Japanese Prime Minister, the honourable Yukio Hatoyama. There are many blogs discussing Japanese politics and policy (probably - I don't know, I never read the interwebs) but shit's gonna hit the Akomeogi online this week. Why is this? Did they legalize Tentacle Rape? Did they drop a revenge nuke on Bloomington, Ohio? Did they elect a porpoise to the cabinet? Nope. Better. The aforementioned honourable Yukio Hatoyama has just re-released his 80s POP SONG! Holy shit, there is a god and he loves the Pet Shop Boys! The song, Tobitate Heiwa no Tori yo, which translates to "Take Heart - Fly dove of peace", is a classy little peace ballad with some awesome backing vocals from Wing (OK - that's a lie - there are rad backing vocals but they're by some no-name brand, not a big shot like Wing. Also, points for spotting my inherent racism). The timing of the re-release is awesome for Yukio as he's certain to get some momentum from the Michael Jackson This Is It movie as "Take Heart- Fly dove of peace is like the engrish cousin of We are the World (more racism kids! Collect it all!). If soppy, poppy music is your cup o tea (it is), you have to love this song

I have ordered my CD single and will be waiting by my post box until it arrives. This is the biggest political moment since George Bush Jr. fired himself into space. It is also the biggest political-musical crossover EVER. Sure, Nic Sarkozy has a (hot) musical wife, but that doesn't count. Bill Clinton can play the sax, but the sax? C'mon, who the fuck cares? And Richard Milhouse Nixon had his Watergate Tapes, which I presume is a collection of his basement recorded dubstep tracks, but he was Hunter S Thompson's enemy and thus an enemy of mine. So first prize goes to Yukio-san. I just wonder why he settled for a boring life of politics when he could have been as famous as Vanilla Ice or Lady Gaga? Look out for the song in the coming weeks. i predict a dance remix, Danger Mouse mashup with the Doors, Jay-Z and Kanye remix (ie. the same song with Kanye grunting inbetween the words Take and Heart) and infinity youtube videos of kids singing this in their suburban homes. Or it might just fade into obscurity within the next 7 minutes.

Meeting Adjourned.

Awesome god.

I just wanted to share the complete awesome of the above comic book covers with you. I feel that we must live in a mightily wonderful world if God and Jesus are roaming the planet kicking Nazi ass. In the second one, you can see that Jesus was captured and crucified by the Nazi's but its OK cos God just bust in through the window and is about to unleash some serious whup ass on that Hitler asshole. Jesus must have been high on peyote or something because as you can see in the first one, he knows how to handle a gun. You should see Inglourious Basterds for some more Nazi scalping antics, capers and shenannegans. Its wholesome because they are Nazi's!

My friends say hello

Coming home

I love the feeling of coming home. I like to watch sunlight flickering between trees and sign posts through the car window until your eyes are seeing it like an old movie with the shutter speed turned way down. I like it when the road curves gently down a hill so that your tummy feels left behind as it goes around a corner, and then straightens out and is all where it should be again. I love coming around a bend and seeing something unexpected, like a mountain or a waterfall or a big tree, but not something like a goat or a hole in the road or a traffic jam. I like warm sun shining on the rocks and road and making them shine like sheet metal. I like small pink flowers growing unexpectedly out of the roadside, in the crack between where the barrier begins and the edge of the road ends. I like seeing people on the roadside having a picnic and watching the traffic pass them by. I like the part of the journey when you suddenly become very familiar with the surroundings and realise your home is a very large area, and not just a small flat in the middle of it. I like when you come back after a holiday and something has changed, an advert on the side of the road for dental hygiene or a new bit of highway or a garden tidied over the weekend. I like coming home and making it your home again. I like the long shower after a long drive, especially when I clean my feet, so they don’t feel like car, and my hair so it isn’t swept backwards like Tintin’s. I like feeling belonging somewhere. I like tiny broken down houses on the side of the road with no roofs and half of a window missing so it looks like it is winking at you. I like windmills, especially the one that is in the middle of a huge lake and must be the most efficient windmill ever. I also like the windmill that doesn’t work anymore, and is standing in the middle of a bowl of dust. I like big bridges that span huge chasms over a river. I like evaluating mountains that we drive past for zombie apocalypse safe-havens, because zombies probably don’t climb so good and if we can get a helicopter or something we would be able to live like Scottish highlanders and farm goats, and have small horses. I am sure there would be springs in the rocks where we could get water. But the zombies would get us eventually. They always do.